Speaking about my shadow

A note about un-aliving one’s self

I do want to say… my ability to sit with, be with and feel the shadow is immense. Not everyone (or seemingly many) can go there and not be deeply impated. So this is the disclaimer… I’m not going to filter. Click away if the discussion of death by suicide is beyond your limits. There’s no shame in honoring where you are.

This comes on the heels of Carolyn Elliot taking her own life. The author of Existential Kink. Where she talks about how our beliefs essentially become our kinks through suffering. How we get off (get to be right) on the patterns we encounter. And essentially, when we are done learning from them, we will do the work necessary to change. Her suicide shocked many but not for some of us and while I can’t speak for others… if you are in the realms of shadow work… this is not surprising to me at all.

I sit here, currently, asking myself why. Why am I here? In this position again right now? For what? What am I being asked to learn (again?)

I’ve spent the better part of 11+ years working in wellness and event production. Surrounded by community, supporting others in deepening their relationship to self and other.

And the truth is… my lesson of loneliness still haunts me like no other. The story of not being wanted, chosen or included is thick. Deeper roots than anything else I’ve faced. And the shitty part is I have seen where it comes from, I know how to process it, I know how to move through it… and it still shows its dark and ugly (beautiful) face more often than I’d like to admit.

This last week I was faced with so many situations that poked those old (yet sensitive) scars. The ones where the people who use to be my best friends gathered in “sisterhood circle,” the canceled plans, the ignored texts, the forgotten replies, the rescheduling, the unanswered calls… it all piles up after a while. And I’m left with the question that I often ask myself…

What did I do?

I’ve practiced the four agreements. Still try to. I shouldn’t assume. I shouldn’t take things personally. And yet… there’s also the reflection on the common denominator. I am the one in each of these scenarios.

I’ve also read Carolyn’s book and could have written it, I know what my core beliefs are and how my lenses are coded specifically to the things in which I expect. I know how to process them, I know how to redirect my energy, I know “this too shall pass.”

What I don’t know… is why it keeps happening. With the years and years of work.

My mind responds with… mage it’s because I keep outgrowing my situation but does that really mean I can’t be invited, included or valued enough to show up for. I don’t need a new life every time I shed another layer.

I know this is a vent just as much as a letter to the world to maybe help others know that they’re not alone in feeling this way. Especially if you’ve been “doing the work,” for a long time.

Today, my brilliant mind tried to tell me (again) that the world would not miss me. They don’t seem to want me around when I’m here so why would it even matter. I don’t want to think this way. I really don’t know why those thoughts still appear.

I love who I am. I value the way I show up for the world. I love big and hard and fast and don’t regret it.

I really would appreciate it if these thoughts would go away.

At their worst, I was convinced my presence was actually causing great harm to those around me. It wasn’t just that I was alone but that I caused everyone suffering and should not be here.

I’m grateful for the people I had in my life at that time who helped me get help. Which included medication, more counseling, more group work and putting one foot in front of the other.

Eventually I was able to get myself off the medication and find other tools that allowed me to feel everything with more capacity. But I had to build it. Exercise it. And trust it.

Today I do.

This is just one more tool. Sharing. Not hiding or pretending that because I’m a life coach that specializes in trauma and intimacy, that I don’t also still struggle.

While I don’t want to be here today. I am also curious enough for what’s to come that I will stick around. I find great pleasure in the idea of becoming a grandmother. Of watching my children create wonderful lives that expand as well.

If there’s one thing that keeps me locked in… I would never want my children to feel responsible for me ending my life. I love them beyond words and they have been the biggest gift I could have ever asked for.

Doesn’t feel like there’s any real way to end this so I’ll just say… peace.

Peace be with you. Even in the shadows.

Aiua Wild